Grandmas Goulash

Their intentions were good, but their off-pitch warbling made the whole town grumpy. Even the heavens pelted them with snowballs.  Frozen nose. Frozen toes. Let’s go home, Dad. I suppose. Just one more house. Won’t that be nice? ‘Twas one too many. Now they’re ice.  

So the Christmas season is here again. In years that have long gone by, it was a far more complicated time. Black Friday was just a grand finale to shopping that had commenced a couple of months before. I had purchased Christmas cards in October and already had a couple of stacks ready to be mailed out in December. Before I took dozens of boxes of decorations out of storage, I began holiday cleaning that went far  beyond just house cleaning  basics. I saddled myself with washing walls, cleaning draperies and polishing floors. The tree was at least a three day production with close to three hundred carefully placed ornaments. After that, I decorated every room in the house. In a fourteen room house, that’s a lot of decorating. And when it was completed, the outside got decorated as well. What was next? Christmas baking, of course. Much of it was used as small gifts for neighbors and acquaintances, so the process also included finding or making seasonal ...

Frugal bakers, Todd & Love, didn’t hesitate to substitute ground twigs for flour. ”Try our healthy bread with the satisfying crunch!”  When money got tight, they borrowed some cash to keep the business afloat. Alas, the dough had strings attached.

Tom wouldn’t have stuck his neck out, if he had suspected the ear of corn camouflaged an axe handle.   She suspected the old turkey would probably taste like rubber, but times were as tough as he was.  Priscilla wanted a healthy bird for her table, but Tom got suspicious when she started asking a lot of health insurance coverage questions. 

When she approved pets at work, the CEO hadn’t met Bedlam, an aptly named feline. Now she gathered evidence to justify policy revocation.   Gina hoped her pet flea had jumped inside the camera. She didn’t want him associating with those mangy dogs.

Nothing is impossible. You can be anything you want to be. If you think you can do it, you can. Sayings like these make me cringe. I’m sure they’re intended to motivate, but they also imply that those who don’t achieve their dreams, just haven’t tried hard enough. I’d love to figure skate in the Olympics, win the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions, and write symphonies that rival Beethoven’s. Age, intellect, and natural abilities say that isn’t going to happen, no matter how hard I try. It’s not just the big dreams.  Things that many people do easily, are simply out of my grasp. Several years of pursuing a foreign language, left me far from fluent. My college roommate, who had only two years of French, spoke it well enough to be accepted into the French dorm in her sophomore year.  Socially, I do fine with one or two people whom I know well. I don’t mind public speaking and have comfortably addressed a room of five hundred people. Send me to a party with twenty or...

Sis’s teacher was outraged over the defacement of the costly book. She was in a gallon of trouble. Johnny hid his smile and his crayon. 

While Ruby worked, Emma remained alert for wheat poachers. Her scythe could cut more than grain. Mae wished Mary would get back to work and stop waiting for some guy to help. Her “Johnny, dear” would probably never show.

If Bones had half a brain, he’d cherish the memories of a fully intact skeleton. Old Miss Frame had loved watching Trick-or-Treaters thru her window until her joints became too stiff to extract her head from the blinds.

Yesterday, Calico and I were discussing Miss Muffin’s growing guitar skills. We’re both delighted that she is doing so well and practices daily without reminders. “Remember when I was like that with the clarinet?” Calico asked. I thought for a minute and gave her a look that needed no words. She knew exactly what I was thinking. When Calico was in fifth grade, she wanted to play a clarinet in the school band. The school’s supply of instruments was limited, however, and her teacher was late in sending interested students to see the band director. By the time she got there, a tuba and a few percussion instruments were the only choices. The director saw her disappointment and offered a solution. “You can  buy clarinet s here”, he said, handing me a list of stores. “They carry used instruments suitable for beginners at very low prices.”  A visit to each of the stores on the list confirmed this. Unfortunately, the used instrument supply was fairly depleted by that time of ...

I took a walk in one of our local parks today. A beautiful day to walk around the pond and detour onto a few wooded paths.  For most of us, that’s an unremarkable event. Ten years ago, it would have been pleasurable, but unremarkable for me. That changed nine years ago, when a devastating illness took such simple pleasures away from me. For someone who loved walking and nature, it was a particularly difficult loss. The road back to mobility has been a long and difficult one. Today was the first time that I have walked through the woods in nine years. To say that it was remarkable is an understatement. What it meant to me is beyond words.

He’d focused his mind, visualized a swan dive and felt himself slip into the zone. Where had that belly flop come from? Ruff!  

Lefty had known instantly that she was Right for him.   They’d won the lottery and retired to their own private island. What fable could have a happier ending?  

Destination weddings were such a pain. Fifty miles to go and their legs already wobbled. How would they manage a  wedding dance ? Who thought family vacations were a good idea? Barely off the mountain and they were already fighting over which sights to see.

Mildred talked. Ewegenie listened. She easily quantified the value of these visits. Sadly, poor Lamb Chop had lacked such social skills. 

One day, he‘d be honored as the first extreme coupon clipper. For now, his grandson saw him as the mean man who stole his school scissors.  Grandpa claimed it was the news that drove him to drink. So why on earth did he spend so much time reading the paper?

Visa? No. Master Card? No. Amex? No. How about PayPal? If you want to leave this store with the objects you desire, you’d better pay, Pal. How did I reach this strange place? You obviously sifted through the fabric of time, Sir. 

Most days, I enjoy homeschooling. Miss Muffin does much of her learning through independent reading and activities. When I do need to give a verbal explanation, she is quick to grasp and apply the concepts that she has learned. I like correcting papers and reading her thoughts. What don’t I like? It’s something called Common Core. When I first heard about Common Core standards, I thought it was a great idea. We are a mobile society and moving is an integral part of many children’s school years. It’s hard enough to adjust to a new school and make new friends. If students had a standard curriculum nationwide, a six grader in Maine could move to California without repeating or missing portions of their curriculum. From a homeschooling standpoint, it would provide a roadmap to insure that my granddaughter was keeping pace with her peers in brick and mortar schools. I still think that’s a good idea, but unfortunately, it is not Common Core. Those standards explain what a child sho...

I love springtime in the South. While my northern relatives are still bemoaning the arrival of another snowstorm, southern trees are lush and  photographers in NC , TN and a host of southern states are out capturing shots of tulips and daffodils. As warm days transform into sweltering heat, however, I wistfully remember northern summers. Sun never turned the trees from rich green to a parched greenish-brown. Flowers and lawns flourished without regular watering and so did the vegetable  garden. As I look out the window this morning, the view is still pretty, but there’s no denying that the colors aren’t as rich as they were a month ago. The grass is always greener in the other fellow’s yard. That’s not just a saying. When it comes to southern summers, it’s a reality.

Thumbelina prayed for a seismic upheaval to hurl her from the malodorous depths of the boots. Joe studied his Father’s Day work boots and knew he’d soon be mowing green instead of putting on it. Whatever happened to ties? Bob claimed he was preserving the tread on his boots, but everyone knew he was just plain lazy.

Horace radiated excitement wherever he went. And chaos. Attorney, Chase Ambulanz, assisted the victim, after calculating his share of the personal injury suit. Joe was sure he had broken something. Worse yet, the other guy got the taxi.

They used to perform for audiences of a thousand. Now they’d been banished to playground. The guys should quit clowning around.

I remember the day, when people weren’t thrilled about keeping in touch. Remember the pager? That obnoxious little device ruined the end of movies, disrupted restaurant meals before the main course was served, and cut symphony concerts short after a few measures. They were referred to as “the world’s longest chains” by those of us, who were required to carry them for our jobs. We’d threaten to give them a swimming test. It was supposed to be a joke, but for many of us, it was just a beep away from the truth. One coworker actually dropped her pager in the toilet. She claimed it was an accident. Sure. . Pagers are still around today, but most have been replaced by cell phones, which enjoy a far better reputation. That’s not surprising. Even the early ones provided personal benefit. I was thrilled that my first cell phone included free long distance calls. If you’d ever seen my long distance phone charges, you’d understand why. Today, of course, they do almost everything except your laund...

Women get so grouchy, when you forget an anniversary. A romantic beach walk had been last minute, but inspired.  Hand in hand, they moved towards the water, never dreaming that killer sharks might make this their last walk. 

It was the last time that Harry would forget Mother’s Day.  Ma’s fury made a lion-filled arena seem inviting.  Rex and Polly had heard the Constitutional promise of domestic tranquility. Apparently, the humans had not.  

To their credit, Harry and Emma could still make the climb. Fifty years ago, the view had been much clearer. Was it cataracts or smog?  Joe promised they would wed, when he had enough cash and credit to get a mortgage on the hillside property. Fifty years and still no ring.  She savored this quiet time with her man. Tomorrow, fifty years of descendants would arrive to celebrate Mother’s Day. Nice, but noisy.  

Just as P.I. Magnum had suspected, the place was bugged.  There was no longer a need to verify the rumor. Harry had indeed gone to the dogs. There may be bugs on some of you mugs and I know there’s some on me!  

Yes, it’s a bit pricey, but this anti-aging formula really works. Look at me! ( The commission on this stuff paid for my last facelift. )   You don’t have to subsist on celery. Take Dr. Good’s formula and eat all you want. You won’t gain an ounce. ( An iunce, no. Pounds, yes. )   Cures fatigue in three days ( If you take it at a spa away from your six kids. )  

At least once a year, we find ourselves watching  The Sound of Music . That’s one of our favorite things, including listening to Julie sing about a few of her favorites. I got thinking about that yesterday, when I read about  a cleaning service in Raleigh NC  that, for an hourly fee, will handle just about anything that you don’t want to. They’ll clean your refrigerator, buy your groceries or walk your dog. You just make a list of your least favorite things and they’ll handle the rest. I sat thinking about least favorite things for a few minutes.  Funny, but favorite things come to mind much easier. Chocolate, warm breezes, my comfy recliner, the sound of chimes, spring flowers … Favorites just seemed to roll off my tongue, but least favorites required more thought.  I posed the question to Calico and Muffin. Calico said she loves taking her programming and web design classes, but would gladly let someone take the courses that aren’t related to her deg...

Someday, fashion designer, Matilda, would be applauded for her innovative use of color and texture. Childhood was not that time.   Dennis The Menace might be tough competition, but The Red Menace was up to the challenge.   Initially dismayed, Fuzzy grew to enjoy his vivid third color. Barbie was taken into protective custody and began a new life as a red head.  

The weather has been such a tease. We have catapulted from eighty degree temps to freezing in less than a day, then sprang back up into the fifties just as quickly. Is that why they call it spring? Signs of spring are everywhere including some daffodil and tulips poking their heads through the ground. Even the grass is beginning to look green again. Time to call our lawn guy and hope that he also services this area. He does a great job and is a wonderful example of entrepreneurship. He got some businesscards, orobably not made by professional  business card printers , but they had all the pertinent info. He drove all over our old neighborhood and left a card along with the cost for his services based on the lawn. He undercut all of the competition, did a great job and now has a thriving business.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to use him again this year. Then I can concentrate on the flowers.

I couldn’t believe I saw a Santa poster in the store the other day. Come on, Santa. Give the Easter Bunny a break. Thankfully, there were no reindeer, elves or presents in sight – just Santa checking his list. I thought he just checked the Naughty or Nice list in December. Perhaps this was a different list. A grocery list? A to-do list? A wish list? Maybe it was a list of lists. Don’t laugh. Those things really exist. Seriously. I found a Harvard Business Review article that identified checklist categories: task list, coordination list, troubleshooting list and more. There was even an interview with the surgeon/author, who wrote The Checklist Manifesto: How To Get Things Right. It got a lot of 5-star reviews on Amazon, but I’m not running out to buy it. I understand why surgeons use checklists and I’m glad that they do. I’m glad that there are realtor checklists. I’ve never forgotten the day we went to closing and came home without a house due to an important detail that had b...

I couldn’t believe I saw a Santa poster in the store the other day. Come on, Santa. Give the Easter Bunny a break. Thankfully, there were no reindeer, elves or presents in sight – just Santa checking his list. I thought he just checked the Naughty or Nice list in December. Perhaps this was a different list. A grocery list? A to-do list? A wish list? Maybe it was a list of lists. Don’t laugh. Those things really exist. Seriously. I found a Harvard Business Review article that identified checklist categories: task list, coordination list, troubleshooting list and more. There was even an interview with the surgeon/author, who wrote The Checklist Manifesto: How To Get Things Right. It got a lot of 5-star reviews on Amazon, but I’m not running out to buy it. I understand why surgeons use checklists and I’m glad that they do. I’m glad that there are realtor checklists. I’ve never forgotten the day we went to closing and came home without a house due to an important detail that had ...

Crash ignored the pain and flashed a rakish grin at the spectators. He was getting too old for this, but he was loath to admit it.  

Spring forward! The proverbial mnemonic worked as well for mud races as it did for clocks. 

It’s said that a wandering mind is a sign of aging and I am certainly proof. When I was younger, I had the impression that it was one of the many negative aspects of aging. Nowadays, I realize that it’s a perk. In my youth, I hated standing in lines. As I waited to buy groceries or purchase tickets, each second stretched for hours as I fumed about the things I had to do. Now I find lines interesting. There are so many different people to watch. If I tire of that, my mind will take a trip down memory lane and time flies. Last week, I had a thirty minute wait, while Miss Muffin took her first guitar lesson. I sat outside the lesson room, listening for a bit, while simultaneously enjoying the parade of customers. I wanted to urge more practice on the teen, who was certain that his instrument was responsible for his bad playing. My mind quickly traveled to pleasurable hours jamming with my best friend and oldest cousin. We loved playing and no one had to urge us to practice. I di...

People hunched over laptops studying their weather widgets. Fools! One look at the sky would answer your question. They called her a free spirit. Why did they associate a permanent foot anchor and a smog-filled locale with freedom? I lost my balloon!

Buying headphones isn’t difficult, but at our house, it is a challenge to keep them intact. LucyFur, Calico’s favorite cat, has developed a taste for headphone wires. We’ve lost several pairs to her wire chewing penchant. We used to leave our headphones plugged into our laptops, readily available for listening. LucyFur changed that and we began to hide them away before going to bed. That worked until she began to ruthlessly stalk them. Even a five minute absence can result in frayed-wire consequences.   In addition to vigilance, we’ve started purchasing bargain-bin headphones. My heart may yearn for the five-star, Ultrasone headphones, but my brain dictates the Dollar Store version. It may be the logical choice, but the static offends my music-loving soul.

It was a familiar sight: a couple of pot heads surrounded by weed. Some species took millennia to evolve. These had only needed a few seconds and a hefty earthquake. “Did you see her?” “Yeah! She’s stacked.”

Pink-tutu confidence eroded, when only her heels left the floor. Soon she’d learn that mean girls and glue are a deadly combination. “Back in line, Arabesque!” Arabesque maintained her stance. She might be flat-footed, but she was determined to stand out. Miss Plié groaned in despair. Two weeks to recital and the only polish in this routine was on the floor.

The garage is a rather chaotic mix of empty boxes, unassembled storage shelves and a few items that have yet to find a home inside. The rest of the house, however, is looking almost settled. Furniture has been arranged, stacked boxes have disappeared, curtains frame the windows and pictures hang on the walls. Only a single kitchen counter, which still holds a variety of tools and hardware, hints that this almost civilized state is fairly recent. I think that’s impressive, considering that we have only lived here for three weeks and have also put up and taken down Christmas decorations during that period. I think the possibility of moving again in a year has spurred our efforts. We all just want to feel settled for as long as possible before facing another relocation. Calico returns to classes next Wednesday and Miss Muffin to homeschooling the following Monday. We’re almost ready to return to our normal lives. I just need to clear the tools and hardware off the kitchen counter and...

Vintage guitar: $5000 Degree in music theory: $80,000 Opposable thumbs: priceless   Dreams of fame scattered in the face of reality.  Duke would never be a Nashville Cat.